We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You are a genius and a whore.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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