I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
