If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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