i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
