no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
