Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
