i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
