"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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