That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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