god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
