Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize