I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
