You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
