I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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