So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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