We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
