i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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