I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
