if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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