yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So much rum. So many feels.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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