i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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