woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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