i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Of course I have a pirate flag
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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