They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
