well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
