It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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