too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
