It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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