I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
