o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
