It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
