You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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