I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
