do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
