so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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