is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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