my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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