after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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