Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
