just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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