I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
