Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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