Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
