My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm at about main and main street
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
