We're like a lot better than the average bears
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
