He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
