If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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