just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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