Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
