That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
