Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
