Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize