Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
