I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
