Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
