I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize