Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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