"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
